Grief, Healing, and Hope – My Journey Through Miscarriage
Holding On to Hope: My Story of Pregnancy Loss and Healing
Early pregnancy loss / miscarriage is often a silent grief. Society tells us to keep early pregnancies private, and the losses that happen before 12 weeks can feel invisible. But every loss matters. Every baby, no matter how early, deserves to be remembered — and every parent deserves time and space to grieve the hopes and dreams of a future that suddenly changed.
I want to share my story not to diminish anyone else’s grief, but to offer hope and understanding to those walking a similar path.
My Story:
I’ve been pregnant six times, and I’ve lost three babies through miscarriage, each between six and eleven weeks. My first pregnancy was conceived easily, I did have hyperemesis but after 20 weeks I loved being pregnant and I assumed that future pregnancies would be the similar.
Unfortunately when we decided to try for another baby, things didn't work out the way we planned. In the space of 18months I faced three recurrent miscarriages, which left me heartbroken each time.
I kept my first loss to myself because I thought that's what I was meant to do, I put on a brave face, I went to work, helping other women bring their babies into the world, while quietly grieving the one I’d lost. I told myself to stay hopeful — that I’d be pregnant again soon. For a long time, I felt I didn’t deserve to grieve. My losses were early — and I worried they couldn’t compare to those who had lost babies later in pregnancy.
However grief isn’t measured in weeks or months. A loss is a loss, and every baby, no matter how small, deserves to be remembered and mourned. From the moment you see those two blue lines, you don’t think of cells dividing — you think of your baby. You start dreaming of names, imagining their face, picturing how life will change. That hope is beautiful — and when it’s lost, it leaves a deep ache.
Working as a midwife through loss was difficult but it also gave me hope — I saw the joy of new life every day, and I believed it would happen for me again. But helping others while carrying my own grief was bittersweet. But then I lost another… and another. Each time, the grief grew heavier, harder to carry alone. Eventually, I couldn’t hide it anymore, I took some time off after my third loss and I began to share my story.
I still don’t know why I hid my losses for so long. Why do we feel the need to keep it a secret? Why does society tell us to wait until after twelve weeks before sharing the joy of a new pregnancy? It makes me sad, because when a loss happens, we need space to grieve. It’s okay to acknowledge the loss, to feel the sadness, and to lean on the people who care for us. We don’t have to carry it alone.
Medical Investigations
Due to three recurrent miscarriages I started the process of investigations, initially I was commenced onto Aspirin, I had a previous blood clot (DVT) during my first pregnancy thought to be linked to hyperemesis but I began undergoing tests for antiphospholipid syndrome.
During this time I became pregnant again, I was already on aspirin, and my care team recommended commencing Clexane injections to thin my blood throughout my pregnancy due to my previous history of DVT. This treatment helped me carry this pregnancy to term successfully.
Pregnancy After A Loss
I was delighted to be pregnant but this pregnancy was stressful, I didn't want to get too excited, I was trying to protect myself from being heartbroken again. I knew until I had the baby in my arms I could not relax and truly enjoy the pregnancy, I was emotionally detached.
The relief when our rainbow baby was born is unexplainable, when he was placed in my arms all those fears melted away, he was perfect. I could finally enjoy him and look forward to a future with our new family of four.
Nine months later I was pregnant again which took us by surprise, breastfeeding and weaning means ovulation, so be warned! The day I saw a positive result, the guilt came flooding in, as I hadn’t been on aspirin in advance, I was worried I would lose another baby. I started aspirin immediately and booked with my GP to have Clexane prescribed once again. With this care, we had another successful pregnancy.
This time, I was able to enjoy each pregnancy milestone more fully, feeling confident and hopeful as I looked forward to the birth.
Acknowledging Early Pregnancy Loss:
Early pregnancy loss is real, and the grief that comes with it is valid. It is the loss of hopes, dreams, and a future imagined too soon. It’s okay to mourn what you cannot see yet — to allow yourself to feel the sadness, to lean on loved ones, and to seek support. Every parent’s journey is unique, and it’s okay to give yourself compassion along the way.
I have a small, special Christmas tree decoration that I hang quietly each year to honor the babies I lost. It is a private, loving reminder that they are remembered and cherished. Life doesn’t always go according to plan — we cannot control timing, and our children’s age gaps may not be what we expected. Yet there are silver linings in these unexpected journeys, and the age gap has brought its own joys.
I am happy to share my story to give hope to others who may be struggling. Miscarriage is a deeply personal and painful journey. But by sharing our stories, we create space for healing, understanding, and hope. Every baby deserves to be remembered. Every parent deserves support. And even after loss, there is hope for the future.
Support & Resources:
If you are experiencing pregnancy loss, there is help and support available:
SANDS (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Charity, UK & Ireland): https://www.sands.org.uk/
Miscarriage Association (UK): https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/
